A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin