[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Mad Max Arctic Road
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.