Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”