Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Finally a use for spoilers…
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks