GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
taking June’s advice to heart
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.