You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
This will never not be funny to me.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.