the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
You Might Also Like
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water