INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit