GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I love it all
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?