What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
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*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks