Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
life finds a way
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…