Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred