waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”