Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?