How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar