God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.