I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.