My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
oh u like geography? name every lake
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*