This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me