I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.