Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*