Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
You Might Also Like
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.