my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*