I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Put this video in the Louvre
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*