Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.