People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
screw you
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula