OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
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Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.