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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
lmaaaaaooooooooo
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet