Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?