a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.