Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.