My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.