wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
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Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.