Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me, in DM rooms…
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!