There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.