Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.