[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”