The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow