Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
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It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think