2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.