Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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They also CAN sing✌️
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.