manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting