No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.