I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
You Might Also Like
Body by sandwich.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
live long and prosper!
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
who did the taste test?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
This headline is a thing of beauty
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*