CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
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I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
inside you are two wolves
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.