I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
NASA has no chill
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?