Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
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Always a housemaid, never a house.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
me after drinking all the wine:
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you