If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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my name if I was in the mob
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.