*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…