My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday